i wrote this as soon as i woke up

Sorry, no pictures this time.  Just writing.  Not even good writing.

it’s 5:50am, and the sun’s coming up.  i’ve got a blanket wrapped around me, ‘cuz i fell asleep/woke up without the usual thought and planning.  i got to bed tired, and i woke up slightly cold and tired.  it’s 5:54 and the sun’s coming up.

i look back and i see a path of discarded clothes and a tipped-over trash can.  i should get on that.  did i crawl to get to bed?  why the hell did i wake up so early?  my mouth tastes stale.

it’s getting brighter and going back to sleep seems less and less of a possibility.  i’ve got to get my teeth cleaned and possibly drilled and filled.  the appointment’s at 9:30, it’s 5:58 right now.  three and a half hours…  i wonder which i should do first, clean the room or shower.  6:01.

waking up early’s a good thing.  i fell asleep so fast that i couldn’t set my alarm.  missing a dentist appointment twice would suck more than missing it once.  i wonder if he charged me for missing the first one.  it’ll be something that i wouldn’t want to be able to afford.

i imagine my body as a house:

lead-paint peeling.  maybe a cracked window.  mildew and water damage.  all exposed metal is rust red.  kids walk by and say that it’s haunted.  some people say it’s been abandoned.  others just throw rocks at it on the way home.  it’s not haunted, that’s just a stupid thing kids say.  it’s not quite abandoned either.  the original owner, he’s still there.  but you wouldn’t know by looking at that house.  property values are dropping.  some neighbors have moved.  people from the ciy came to help.  they were just met with a disheveled man with a shotgun and a bathrobe.  prices drop.  a few more neighbors leave.

i think i’m just talking about a real house that i saw once.  maybe i’m making it up.  6:26.  how the hell is it 6:26?

i’ve just been going through a quarter-life crisis.

why do the things you do?
what are you doing with your life?

i have trouble answering myself, and i turn unpleasant when answering others.  i’ve wasted my energies for too long.  i’ve lived the life of a kite with no strings.  go where the wind takes you.  the wind stops.  kite crash.

i don’t want to waste anymore, i can’t afford to.

i’ve got to snap out of it and find myself again.  i used to be an idealist.  i used to care about others.  i used to lift cars over my head for fun.  just wanted to ruin the moment a bit and see if you’re reading along. 6:38.  i’m not even reading along anymore.  i need change.  that’s thepoint.  i need change.  i need to choose to not be an ass.  choose to get motivated.  and just start doing things purposefully.

i can get two hours of sleep and wake up in time for the dentist.  will i make it?  6:39.  i’m choosing to try.  might not work out, but it’s a choice.

a step in the right direction, or just a way for me to potentially avoid the dentist.

*Areas striken-through, just because it was bad writing.

[don’t read this post.]