What the @#$% Am I Doing With My Life?: A Series

Introduction:

I’ve largely lived a life of little consequence and little significance.  If I were to have never existed…wait…this sounds too melodramatic.  Let’s just say at the current rate things are going, I’m never going to have my own Wikipedia page.

It’s not that I recently realized a need to be recognized or remembered (there might be some of that going on in the background of my consciousness, but admitting to it sounds a bit too vain), but I just feel like I’ve lived my life in a way where all of the potential to do anything worth doing has been marginalized and left along the wayside on the road to…wait a second…what the hell am I on the road to?

I used to be an idealist with my convictions deeply ingrained in me.  I used to want to change the world for the better, I wanted to move the world even a fraction of a inch closer to a better direction.  I wanted meaning.  I searched for identity.

Now I’m just feel betrayed by the ideals inside of me and the society around me.  Ideals and society are often at odds with one another; it seemed as if they had taken a truce to make sure that I knew that they were both at odds with me.  I isolated myself from both.  I didn’t find my pace and rhythm in this world like everyone else seemed to, and holding on to my ideals seemed more and more childish as I grew older and more decrepit.  Running away from the outside world and inside self; what else can happen besides becoming an empty shell.

25 years old.  Perpetually broke.  Unsure of self and identity.
Empty shell.

Okay, on paper, it’s pretty pathetic.  Well…in actuality, it’s pretty pathetic.   And that’s my point.  I need to stop floating around in life, I’ve got to form some goals and actualize them.  I feel like I’ve been living like a plastic bag that’s caught in the wind, or a jellyfish that brainlessly finds ways to feed itself, but by in large just float with the current.  The goals I choose now might be far different than the goals I had when I was younger, but anything’s better than nothing.  Even if I decide that my sole focus in life is to live like a miserable little @#$hole to annoy and bother as many people as I possibly can before I die, it’ll be better than what I’m doing now…living without direction.

A blidungsroman is a genre of literature where the main character grows up from a child into an adult.  I feel a bit embarrassed starting a journey of discovery and growth into adulthood at a quarter of a century, but whatever…I’m starting it.  I’ve lived this long and I’m not sure how much longer I’ve got to live, so let’s get started.

First thing’s first: ‘What the @#$% am I doing with my life?’

Next Time: Chapter 1 - Bildungsroman